Giving up is hard to do...

After struggling for a few months... I have decided to let go of something special to me. Not easy to give up something very unique. What more a person whom I have grown attached for a year plus... he came into my life unexpected... one date led to another and we became more than friends.. but not enough to say we're officially in a relationship. And i thought I could be ok with this arrangement, turned out I was very frustrated with myself. Having to make plans in advance so just to meet up... Took a lot of effort from him and me just for a date... It's like I'm having a boyfriend while at the same time, not having one.


Yeah... you'd be smacking my bald head and poke me in the eye... Yeah... I agree.. I can't help myself... I think you'd understand... I wondered why I put myself into this misery at times. There were moments, I'd stare blankly at the spinning fan and not blinking... thinking about this emotional turmoil and the ups and downs of just wanting to be with him. It's ridiculous... sometimes, I feel helpless, angry and annoyed with myself...


The bittersweet memories I've kept since I got to know him since Oct 2006, hmmm such memories. We had a long talk over the phone just now. I wanted to see him so badly, kiss and hug him for one last time... as I write this, I can't help feeling very melancholic and I felt like crying... but there's no more tears to cry probably I'm overwhelmed by the sudden decision to stop seeing him. Its hard to give up something that's so good... So... what next? I'm not sure if I can contain myself in this state of calm in the future. Can I see his pictures without a stir in my heart? Should I delete his photos and his number from my mobile phone? And his stuff in my house, should I pack it? should I... FUCK! yes.. dilemma of a troubled soul...


Haiz.... not easy to give it up... frustrating to know he does not want to commit either. . . Let it go... let it go my mind said, my heart is not willing... I don't wanna hurt him anymore... it's time. I know he has feelings for me... and for that, 10 years my junior, I have deep respect for him... he is able to control his emotions... probably so because his feelings weren't as deep as I have for him... 


I am looking forward to the day when I can gaze at him without a tempest blowing in my heart... When that happens, perhaps then I can be a friend to him...